After struggling with my mental health in the earlier part of my trip in 2024, I was still very much in survival mode in my day-to-day life in South America, especially in Buenos Aires. It was because of this situation that I decided to go ahead and book the Ayahuasca retreat with Etnikas at the very last minute since I was heading to Cusco, Peru. It was highly recommended by another female traveller who I had met in Vietnam. I originally wanted to do 1 session, but it is a requirement to do a minimum of 2, so I opted for the 3 Day retreat at Etnikas. It cost around US$700, which I thought was a fair price for a retreat in a nice setting.
Ayahuasca is a natural plant medicine from the Amazon that was originally used by healers in South America for healing and spiritual ceremonies. Modern-day Ayahuasca ceremonies have become popular with foreigners and are known to help with PTSD, trauma, depression, anxiety and substance abuse issues. There are many symptoms that may occur during the ceremony, such as vomiting, diarrhea, hallucinations, fear, paranoia and so on. During the ceremony, you are given a dosage of the liquid to drink and the healer will chant icaros or sacred prayers and songs to guide the energy of the ceremony. Before the ayahuasca ceremony, you are encouraged to set an intention or question that you want answers to and connect with Mother Aya/The Universe through the medicine to find those answers.
At first, I was concerned about attending this retreat as I have had several panic attacks before, but I was assured that I would be well taken care of. Furthermore, the retreat centre is very professional and you have to fill out a physical and psychological questionnaire before you go and also undergo a medical check up before you start. Furthermore, they have a doctor and psychologist on staff to help with any issues from the participants. I read through the reviews and really liked that they were highly rated as safe and professional, as that was my other main concern about doing this retreat. There are many shady retreats and bogus shamans out there, so knowing that this place was accredited by the Peruvian Ministry of Health and had healers from the Shipibo and Qero tribes from Peru helped to ease my worries.
Before the retreat, there are also other preparations, such as going on a detox with no caffeine, sex, alcohol and drugs, as well as abstaining from sugar, red meat, dairy, processed food and so on. You were also supposed to stop taking all medications, vitamins and supplements as these might contradict with the plant medicine. I tried my best with the diet, but as my friend said, the detox really is more about your commitment to the process.
Finally the day came...
We were picked up in a minivan from Cusco to San Salvador in the Sacred Valley. It is an idyllic setting situated in a lush green valley with many different buildings dotted around the compound. We were checked in, did our medical check up before heading to one of the buildings for an introduction session. We met the shamans and learned more about the process of what would happen during the session. We would go through 2 ayahuasca ceremonies over the 2 nights, which in hindsight was needed, as the first ceremony is like an introduction and adjustment to the whole process. Furthermore, we could only eat once a day (breakfast) before fasting in anticipation of the ceremony. It made sense after all, since we were going to be purging a lot. We would also have staff who would help us go to and from the bathroom and to help with anything else we needed.
We were also introduced to our group, which had about 18 people, mostly from the US and Canada. I was surprised to know that we had about 5 women in the group and 3 of them were ethnically Asian females and first timers. I ended up sharing my room with 2 other Asian females.
Evening came and it was time to start the ceremonies. We went into the maloca, which is the traditional ceremonial space, with nervous energy. After a cleansing ritual, we went through a heart-opening love meditation to connect with ourselves and also set our intention for the ceremony. Then, we got ready for the main event.
The healers entered the space. I remember propping myself up on the firm mattress and receiving my cup of medicine in front of me. We also had a bucket next to us, along with a roll of toilet paper and were covered with thick blankets on the mattress. After we took the dosage, I lay back in the darkness of the room and looked up at the skylight in the maloca, waiting with anticipation for the medicine to kick in.
It took about half an hour before people started feeling the effects of the drink. You could hear people puking somewhere from across the room. The healers went around singing the icaros throughout the night, sometimes there was a quiet lull and other times it got louder and more intense. Let’s just say it was pretty chaotic in the room after that. Although I could hear some cries and wailing in the background, I was so focused on my own pain, it was hard to concentrate.
After puking my guts out many times (it’s a bucket for a reason!), the room started to settle down a bit more. This is usually the part where most people experience some sort of hallucinatory effect. However, for me, I just had a very bad stomachache. At some point, I remember the staff helping me out of the room and I lay down on the sofa outside clutching a hot water bottle to my stomach for most of the night.
It is said that everyone feels very different effects during an ayahuasca, some people may not be open to it or still face some psychological blocks. However, after the ceremony ended, I actually had a long interaction with one of my roommates that was like a reenactment of a scene with my mother when I was younger. And although it wasn’t during the ceremony, I still received many messages from Mother Aya through my roommate that still answered many questions I had about my healing. Til this day, we both wondered how the staff knew to put us together in that moment and how the interaction worked out.
Due to how intense the experience was and how I had a more physical experience, I almost decided not to do the second ceremony the next night. However, after a nourishing breakfast, talking to the other participants during the debriefing session and volunteering at a local kindergarten the next day, I felt that I owed it to myself to continue with the second session.
During this session, the healers increased my dosage ever so slightly and this time, I did have a short hallucinatory experience after the purging. As I lay there half-awake, I closed my eyes and saw vivid, layered images of eyes, snakes and geometric shapes. I felt very connected to Mother Aya and asked her to show me what I needed to see.
While the hallucination did not last long, in my mind’s eye, I clearly saw and felt all the horrors and trauma that my lineage went through. Needless to say, it broke me emotionally and I was bawling for what seemed like eternity, while clutching my stomach. I think the ceremony had drawn to a close but I was still lost in my pain and crying. The staff ended up removing me to the sick bay due to my stomach pains, with one of the healers literally carrying me in his arms and I stayed there overnight.
Miraculously, I felt better again in the next morning, almost as if I had a fever dream and after another debriefing session and closing ceremony, it was time to leave. After the whole retreat, it took me a month in Mexico to reintegrate back into ‘normal life’ and I found that what I had experienced was too profound to explain and share with others.
However, after all that happened, these are the benefits that I felt I gained from the ayahuasca:
Releasing of emotions – Before this retreat, I had a lot of suppressed emotions that I found difficult to let go. After the experience, I feel like I’m more forgiving of others and myself. I also feel less shame when dealing with my emotions.
Increased awareness of my patterns and triggers – After the retreat, I have so much more clarity in my thoughts. I am able to notice my triggers and change my unhelpful patterns of behaviour more easily.
Unconditional love – There is something about an ayahuasca ceremony that allows you to connect to The Universe and be wrapped in unconditional love and healing, despite the tough hallucinations and pain that you go through. Also, having the very kind staff look after us so lovingly was very touching and healing in itself.
I also think that because of all these benefits, it greatly helped my depression. Of course, it is not meant to replace therapy and til this day, I still get triggered and continue with my therapy sessions. For me, doing an ayahuasca retreat once was honestly intense enough and I am not sure that I would want to do it again. I do however, look back at it fondly as a very healing process in that time in my life.
For those who are interested in trying an ayahuasca retreat, I do suggest following the detox and going for at least 2-3 sessions to get the benefits of it. Find a reputable retreat centre that you know will take care of you when you are in that vulnerable situation. Be open to the experience, the more open you are, the more likely you will have an easier time. Take the time after to slowly reintegrate and process the messages you received and learned.
Lastly, it is still up to you as an empowered individual to make the needed changes and continue your healing after the retreat.